It happened. Again and again. It was impossible to define, except as ‘something bad’. But maybe the word ‘bad’ isn’t enough – quite an understatement, I would say. Every time it happened I wanted to run away; wanted to disappear. It was like a curse; followed me for years. Was it even possible to do anything about it? It was the month that everything would go from the edge of all right to an absolute disaster – March.
The cause only pointed towards me, though.
So does it mean it was possible to avoid it, every single time? I thought of sending messages to myself in the past and even in the future, just in case. That wasn’t very practical though.
So what should I do at all? Can I do anything about it at all?
Sometimes I wished that everything was real. And I wished that if everything wasn’t real, then it might as well be all unreal. Every single time, it was difficult to know it was really coming until it happened. Though there was always this…tension. Though I always seemed to dismiss it as if everything could be pulled back from the edge of falling apart. It was probably naïve, though.
When it broke, it was as deafening and sudden as the shatter of glass when it hit the ground. But impossible to piece back. Not perfectly, anyways.
“I thought I was careful.” I said. He smiled – not in a gleeful way, but more of a smirk.
“There are always words within words, and even then, there are still many complications. People are always being forced to lie.”
“So what if we could all be honest? Is that really better?” I probed.
“…But this time, it was because you told the truth.”
“…”
Was it because I said that that it happened? But if I didn’t say, would it have happened anyways? No one likes a liar, but yet no one wants – is interested – to hear the truth.
So I’m back here again. I wonder what this is doing to me at all.
If I run away, I’ll only be alone. I don’t think I can do this anymore, though. It’s not like I’m enlightened or anything. Just made to feel even more like a fool, and perhaps disturbed even. Probably isn’t very healthy, I would think.
From the edge of all right to full-time-
But it does relieve the tension that was building up. So now it’s different from being choked or strangled. Maybe that’s the only relief.